My husband has been home from a 12 month deployment to Afghanistan since January.
We’ve had 8 months of reintegration joys, challenges, and adjustment.
Living overseas for 4 and a half years, most of the people I interacted with on a daily basis were military families, veterans, or civilians employed by the base (meaning they were well acquainted with our lifestyle.) Since moving back to ‘The States’ this summer, I’ve had some startling conversations with folks who are not directly associated with the military.
“Oh it must be so great to have him home!”
Well, yes and no – we actually have to work very hard for our family’s reintegration.
“I don’t know how you did that – I can hardly wait until 6 o’clock when my husband gets home!”
Well, you just do what needs to be done and try your best to stay positive.
“How wonderful to be able to travel around Europe for so many YEARS!”
Actually, we are a young family on a budget, trying to save for college for three kids.
PS. We also bought a new minivan, had our third baby, and all while qualifying for WIC.
And after we moved to El Paso…
“So why are you buying a house? You know you’ll only be here for 3 years.”
We lived in 3 different apartments while we lived in Germany.
3 years under one roof (WITH my husband) sounds like an eternity to me.
“Oh you’re military. So you won’t be here very long.”
So. I guess you don’t want to be friends then?
I am not trying to be hurtful. So before anyone’s feelings ARE hurt, I would like to say that I think there is still simply a disconnect between the average American civilian and the war that is still going on for so many military families.
This past weekend, our country lost 6 marines and today 7 soldiers were killed in a crash.
Which also means the families directly connected to them are probably still in shock.
Their close friends and extended family are processing grief along with them.
And in the next week, most of the base where they are stationed will attend a memorial.
So although the news network reports a seemingly small number, the statistics aren’t just a head count.
The cost of war is felt by all of us. And my heart is heavy for everyone surrounding these troops.
So many of our service members are deployed right now.
So many of our service members are coping with wounds – visible and invisible.
So many of our service members are still adjusting to life after a deployment.
And then there are their families.
The ones hauling little ones to the post office to mail packages.
The ones taking care of the house, the car, the bills, the kids, all by themselves.
The ones watching 3 + 3 extra kids so a friend can go to the dentist.
The ones trying so hard to figure out their new adjusted normal.
If I can share just one piece of advice for civilians?
Be a source of encouragement and action.
Personally, Professionally, and Practically.
When you see a frazzled mom in the grocery with three kids?
“Keep going hunny – only 2 more hours til nap time right?”
When you see a Spouse trying to find employment after a move?
“Can I help you with your resume? I think I have a friend who is hiring!”
When you discover a family with a service member deployed?
“Hey – hows about I keep your grass mowed for you?”
War. is a horrible terrible thing.
But it is part of the cost of freedom.
Americans have so many freedoms that we daily take for granted.
It’s time to be thankful for them.
Not just assume they are entitled to you.
August 16, 2012 at 10:35 am
Holy smacks, I want to kiss you on the mouth for this post.
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August 16, 2012 at 10:50 am
WOW! That is so perfectly said!
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August 16, 2012 at 11:12 am
Well said. I totally agree with what you say…
August 16, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I feel conflicted because I emphasize with both sides. My family knows nothing about the military or the life my spouse and I lead. They seem to wonder why we aren’t jumping to use all of our vacation to run to visit them and why we can’t just get stationed closer to them. My siblings feel I have abandoned the family for an “adventure”.
At the same time, I see a lot of military families just jump to the conclusion that others just don’t understand and stick to their bubble living on base and only socializing with other military families.
I wonder how lonely it would be to have married a police officer or firefighter who risks his/her life every single day for their whole career and gets much less support than military families. I am fortunate to have a full-time job outside of the military bubble and interact with others to keep some version of normal civilian life. The only way to educate others about the military is to talk to them and not get frustrated when they don’t understand but rather try and explain to them (if they care).
I hope this doesn’t sound negative. I really enjoy this blog and this post is great.
August 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Sarah. I too have felt conflicted about the issues you mentioned – hence this blog post.
I guess somehow while living in Germany and reading about all the support, press, and spotlight that has been shining on military families, I naively thought the bridge had been made and information was being shared. However, I come to find that it is very easy to live completely “in the bubble” as you so aptly said. There isn’t an open conversation. There still is a disconnect. And so many civilian Americans are so utterly self absorbed and entitled – that they forget that there are troops being killed in Afghanistan nearly every day. I am completely dumfounded by that.
On your other point — I too, am embarrassed when I see or hear of a military spouse acting entitled to a discount or obnoxiously behaving as if they are a martyr-victim. But these folks are in the minority – and themselves perhaps speaking in a very stressful moment/ having a bad day situation. I have found too, they are usually new to the subculture of military life, so the frustration is often a result of a misunderstanding. So I always try to cut them some slack and find out the bigger story.
August 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I couldn’t agree more. My husband is deployed to Afghanistan right now. I had expected different this deployment. But it has been the same as the last one…..everyone seems to just disappear. All the “promise to help while he is gone” promises were just empty promises. And it seems everyone tends to think a facebook message is enough to pull you through the deployment.
August 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Your post makes me incredibly sad. thank you for saying what needs o be said.
August 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Well said. It’s like you took the thoughts and feelings right out of my head! I hope you’re loving your new home.
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August 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm
I see so many military wives suggesting these things about how to help when someone’s spouse is deployed but I still feel alone and forgotten often. People offer help but it’s often so vague that I don’t know how to respond. Often I don’t even have their phone number. Fortunately I do have a list of two or three people that I know I can call in a pinch. Your one comment about seeing a mom with three kids in the store really got me. I can’t even tell you how much it would mean (even if he were home) to get an encouraging word in the grocery store while the kids melt around me… like they did a few hous ago. It would absolutely make my day! I need to start being that person with the encouraging word even if I’m in a tough spot myself.
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August 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Sarah – I am married to a 33 yr member (just now retired) of our Canadian federal police force. And yes – many, many days and nights of worrying and fretting about him – several of his postings were either very isolated or even in one case – only police officer stationed there. He was also deployed to distant parts of Canada a couple of times for long periods of time, leaving me and our two kids to live on our own. And – our families “tried” to understand why we did not run to them every time he had time off or vacation days. I know the friends and families tried to support and understand, but somehow it fell short. But you know what – like military wives and families everywhere, we too made it through – stronger for the experience, I think.
I have been reading a few of these military family blogs for a while now, and while I have definitely not been in your shoes, I have been in some uncomfortable shoes of my own. And to all of us who have been there, and still have to go through this – strength and peace. And to everyone else – understanding.
Ann Marie – your posts have brought tears to my eyes more than once. Today you did it again.
August 16, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I’m not looking forward to that part of the transition back to the States. Thanks for the heads up.
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August 16, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Thank you for writing this. I truly mean it. Thank you. We are never trying to be mean when we speak our minds such as you have… I once wrote a post (during a deployment) I titled the Inconsideracies of others. Might not be a real word
But people say things to us all the time that they mean in a good natured way, but is actually quite an inconsiderate thing to say or even do. While our life is something they watch on TV, we live it and this war in a very real way. Thank you for sharing your perspective. I hope that others can read it and see how it is on our end of things.
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August 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Very well said. I can’t complain of no help, I rarely ask it, and don’t expect it.
I have been blessed, very blessed, to not have to deal with long deployments…I don’t know how I got so damned lucky, but I have thank you Jesus! And, to both my joy and horror, next year brings retirement from active duty. I am both excited, (living in one place past 3 years? BRING IT ON!!!!) and scared..leaving a known job for??? no way of knowing what the next job will be, or bring in pay wise. The only thing I can hope is that it will be enough, and, maybe that it will take us from this place…
Tara
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August 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Perfectly said! I’ve struggled so much trying to find gracious answers for questions that are just almost impossible to answer and to be understood at the same time.
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August 16, 2012 at 2:28 pm
You are so correct. I am a wife of a deployed soldier too, we have moved to a non military community 1 year ago, I am yet to have anyone except for 2 friends ask how we are or how my husband is doing oh and by the way our community has many “we support our troops” banners hanging throughout the community. You are right, they just don’t get it, and I’m tired of them not getting it!
August 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm
WE are at war WE in the military community. The rest of the country is still at the mall or more concerned about Kristen whatserface than the 7 who died today, the 36 who committed suicide last month, the 6 killed Monday. Trying to bridge this gap is exhausting. And I have no idea how to do it anymore; and I’m almost too tired to try.
August 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm
I tend to think that society has forgotten how to be the “community”. We just don’t LIVE with people anymore. We live next to them, sit in church next to them, walk to hallways of the same schools near them, run next to people on trails, but never TRULY connect. That is why we feel forgotten, left out, and alone. We’re not a community; we’re just people placed near each other in location thanks to our spouses vocation.
Oh, and civilians crack me up. We’re stationed in the midwest without a BASE/POST/etc so it’s a taste of civilian life but still hubby is AD. We get questions like “what’s his job” “what does he DO all day” “does he wear a uniform?” “Oh, he REALLY IS a Marine.” said by a lady after my husband handed her a business card. It’s like they’re completely unaware that people are fighting in a WAR can still be normal, too.
August 16, 2012 at 3:08 pm
Beautifully said! It seems like most of the country has put the war behind them and thinks it’s over —but in our world people are still DYING. And REINTEGRATING. And coping with injuries and adjustments and, even without the war, dealing with the multitude of hurdles military life puts in our way. If one more person says “you signed up for it to me,” or “at least you have free healthcare, WE have to PAY for that,” (as if it’s free!) I’m gonna … well, I’m going to smile and cuss them out in my head, just like I always do. But, honestly, most days I’m ready to explode. Thanks for this!
August 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Great post- I did a similar one for Military Spouse Appreciation Day. People can be so insensitive. I’ve had people outright say “Oh he’s gonna be gone for a year? that’s a long time. Are you still going to love him?” and it took every ounce of my self control to not lose my temper on her. The other one I hate is when I’m having a bad day, and I’m sad, and someone thinks it is ok to say “well, you knew what you were getting into” with absolutely no sympathy. People are incredibly rude sometimes…
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August 16, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Thank you so much for posting this! Sometimes it is so frustrating dealing with civilians in conversations, sometimes even extended family! I always have to bite my tongue when I hear other wives that cant even make it one night without their hubby there for support. One of the perks of living on post is we are surrounded by other military families that understand the issues and stresses military families deal with on a daily basis.
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August 16, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Beautiful post. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect when I started but it gave me chills. People just don’t get it <3 Thank you so much for this post!
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August 16, 2012 at 5:17 pm
I agree with the point you are trying to make. I really do. I keep seeing this link on Facebook and you have clearly gotten nothing but praise for it.
I just really want to say though that there is also a great disconnect from military families and the war that’s going on. I was wonderfully unaware of this until my own husband was severely wounded. I will be the first to admit I thought I sacrificed a lot but just truly had no clue. I’d give anything to hear civilians put their foot in their mouths unknowingly, instead of getting the looks of pity when I say what our status is. Sometimes we need some perspective. It kind of makes me sad that the answer to the question is it great to have him home even includes a no. Yes, integration is very hard but the alternative far out ways that. Despite all the garbage I have to do every day to make sure my husband reintegrates and gets the care he needs the answer will always be YES! Its great to have him home and alive. I will happily except that as opposed to the alternative.
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August 16, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Beautiful said. Thank you!
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August 16, 2012 at 7:27 pm
Wow. I am an Army wife in a civilian life, in an area where there is no support system, while my husband is deployed. You said with a single post, everything I’ve struggled to say all year. THANK YOU.
August 16, 2012 at 7:41 pm
ugh… this is soooo true, every single word.
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August 23, 2012 at 12:37 am
Yes, I agree with you. War is not good for the country most especially to the people.
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August 16, 2012 at 9:42 pm
If I could give you a hug right now, I so would. This is so beautifully written.
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August 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm
Look, they’re never gonna get it. Less than 1% are serving, only a few more have a family member serving, and even less senators and congressmen have any skin in it….meaning very few have even a son or daughter serving. Look at our ticket for November…..first time in what 80 years or so a candidate has no military service. That’s crazy. The American public is out of touch and doesn’t have a clue, even with Mrs Obama’s and Mrs Bidens program. We’ll all just keep plugging along as usual and counting on each other!
Life Lessons of a Military Wife recently posted..There are other internet options in Germany besides Telekom and TKS!
August 17, 2012 at 12:43 am
This whole post and the comments made me so sad, but not because this is our life, but because I am not the only one who has gone through these things. We have only been in the Army for 4 years and I had no idea, being from a civilian family, how unsupported I would be, even by people I thought were so supportive before. To me it isn’t a reflection on how people see the military but how our society has become so self centered that they don’t see people struggling or in pain anymore. People are just disconnected. The only thing we can do is try to connect with other and not to become insensitive ourselves.
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August 17, 2012 at 8:05 am
Thank you for posting this. I just wish EVERYONE could read it. Because everything you wrote is achingly true.
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August 17, 2012 at 10:40 am
This post is very timely and speaks the truth on so many levels. A dear friend I met through MOPS from our time at Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst just laid to rest her husband yesterday. He and another three in his group were killed by a suicide bomber in Afghanistan, hard to believe but when I posted a prayer request I had some comment that they didn’t even know that members of the AF were on the ground and in danger like that…ummm…seriously?!
Having just moved I am in the process as well of trying to get the “local network” of friends established, good luck to finding your niche and getting a good group to share your time with as well.
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August 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Yes. And what’s truly heartbreaking is that your kids are probably feeling the same disconnect- with kids at school, teachers and administrators.
August 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm
A great post. I often wonder how strange it will feel to move back to the States at the end of our tour in England, after spending three years completely surrounded by other military families. This is beautiful advice.
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August 17, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Ann Marie .. this is by far your best article written ..
God bless all our troups and their family ..
August 17, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Great read. I’m going through a first deployment right now, with three little boys under 5 years old. I actually moved home to be around family, and have been so pleasantly surprised by all of the support I have received from strangers almost everywhere I go! So far, most civilians that I come in contact with have so much sympathy, and love and support for what my husband is doing, it has been astounding! I totally could understand, though- maybe if I was still living by our duty station–you are either in the military “bubble,” or sort of out amongst a heavily saturated military population, and people are just used to it… Where I am now, I am the only one…Anyway, love your site, will be checking back often for a little pick me up!
I wrote about some of my positive experiences so far in this post, if you care to read:) http://griff-fam.blogspot.com/2012/08/deployment-good-bad-blessings.html
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August 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm
My husband is in the middle of his third deployment with a civilian contractor. All of what you stated and what your commenter’s have stated is true of our life as well (to a certain extent), except there isn’t a military community to fall into, or any community for people ‘like us’ for that matter. No, he doesn’t wear a uniform, but he is every bit in the middle of war. And I am every bit alone at home. We’re an oddity among friends and relatives. We’re forgotten (I think in the 3 months he’s been gone he’s heard from 2 or 3 ‘good’ friends). We live far, far away from family. We’re tired and frustrated and upset at being strung along by a company that seems to forget we are people and not just assets. But in all of this, I am proud of him, his service and surviving war.
Thank you all for your commitment to your spouses, your sacrifices and your determination to keep going.
August 21, 2012 at 3:39 am
War is really horrible so I hope every country must have peace. Thanks for sharing this inspirational post.
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August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm
LOVE this post. So many complain where you educate! I love that you didn’t whine about the hardships we all face you acknowledged the existence of stress and asked for respectful reaction.
Well written and highly appreciated.
September 6, 2012 at 12:41 am
This post is amazing. Kudos!